9.6.8

I’m struggling with my struggles. I’m at war with war. I’m at war with myself and all of those who I think are opposed. I want to be right when I know I’m wrong. I base my opinions off of things that I read and off of you and your opinion of me. I want to learn from you but I’m afraid you could be wrong and I’ll learn something that could destroy us all. Or maybe you see something that I don’t, how am I to judge this properly without the judgment of myself? I can’t stand it when I judge you and I can’t stand it when you judge me. Most of all I can’t stand it when I judge myself. So I’m trying to erase judgment from my being. But there will be a day when my judgment is required so what then? Do I say, “Anything I choose will be okay in the end?” Life is made up of choices and I didn’t choose to be born. But I can choose to die. What is living when you want to die?
I get in arguments with others and myself about what’s true. About what’s right and about what’s wrong. I’m caught in between to sides of a judgmental hell. One says that it’s all relative and everything is okay, nothing is right or wrong and “your truth is true even if you decide that a tree is a T.V.” The other gives accusation after accusation of what I’m doing wrong and what I should’ve done right. There is a truth of the matter. Do you understand how this can be a difficult fight? For me it’s about the core of what these ideas propose. What is the intent and what will truly help us all? I fear that if all truth is relative then we’re in for a big surprise filled with chaos, anarchy and death ruling our lives. But you still stand next to this philosophy even after I say that you’re stating an absolute, which means that not all truth is relative, because you just gave me an absolute.
So what should I do? Should I do what I want even if that means killing you? Even if that means destroying everything you love and hold dear to you? Because this is true to me and would erase you from my argument shutting your words so you’d never talk back to me. But that can’t be right! MAY IT NEVER BE! NO! Even if I was born to hate everyone all my life, there’s a truth to the matter and I’m bent on finding it’s light. But I can’t tell you what to do! I can’t make you understand! I can’t make you believe what I believe! This is my struggle and I can’t do anything! I can’t do anything! I’m stagnant and I don’t want to be! I can’t go this way or that way without feeling the condemnation of myself and others. And just because someone says one thing and someone says another doesn’t mean any of them are right. WHAT’S THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER I SAY?! WHERE IS IT HIDING?! You say it’s relative and I ask you if that’s true, if you say yes then how I ask you? How? You say there’s an absolute and I ask you if that’s true and you say no then how I ask you? How? You say this is true and I ask you if it is and you say yes then how I ask you? How? You say this is not true and I ask you if this is true and you say yes then how I ask you? How? You see, I’m fighting something bigger than you and me and there are others out there that do it without ever knowing why. I’m doing it for myself and I’m doing it for you. I’m doing it because we deserve the truth. Because I can’t stand it when someone lies to me and you may know what I mean.
Oh boy, I’m struggling. Oh man, have I been fighting it. I’m tired of our outlook on each other and our outlooks on life. I’m tired of the war that seems to hide itself from our eyes. I’m seeing confusion take our minds so we may never understand the purpose of our lives. Woe to those who give in to what they’re told without research, thought, and understanding. Woe to those who fight for something they nothing about. Woe I say! WOE! Woe to me and woe to you, we’re in for a big surprise.
With so many opinions, with so many ideas, with so many religions, with so many philosophies, with so many lies, how are we to ever get anything right? Choose this and that, well I tell you I’ve been promised an eternal life. I’ve been promised many things, who will deliver them in the end for me? I’ve been promised that that there will be no promises. Where is the hope for something better? Are we afraid to be let down? I am, I know, and it happens all the time. I let myself down. I’ll certainly let you down if this is the case. So there is no hope in the human race. Our hope cannot be found in ourselves for we are all liars bound to fail. Life hands us surprises that compromise our mouths. Oh, but now you feel me leading you towards a higher power. Sorry, I can’t rely on a human any longer.
There are scales, balances, and weights for issues. Lean this way and you have this and lean the other way and you’ll have that. We are all bias and we let ourselves get in the way. How are we to judge anything in just if this is the case? I say, with truth, with facts that are what they are, like a detective searching out a crime for the law…for justice. Take the simple matter of cigarettes. I smoke them as of right now. Can I tell you not to? Or will this judgment come back to me saying, “Well you do, so what gives you the right to tell me? You say I should, but you don’t do it yourself. You hypocrite! I’ll do what I want since that what you seem to do as well.” I tell you to ignore me and ignore yourself. It’s one of the most difficult things to do. What is the truth of the matter? What are the facts that can be proven? Those who promote and are for the act could say that it’s a stress release, a think stick, it makes me look cool, and a thing to do when there’s nothing else to do. Or what if the industry that creates these objects give other things like money, to those in need? And those on the other side say, “does this make smoking any less of disease?” These are the facts of what it will do to you, to me and others who use these things. Smoking is nothing but a hindrance to health. Even though I smoke I DO NOT THINK IT IS SOMETHING ANYONE SHOULD DO. I should know, I do it. It doesn’t help me. It’s a false sense of relaxation that lasts for a minute. It’s destroying my health…physically and psychologically. Why do I do it? Because I’m addicted and giving it up is damn hard to do. I know I should, but I can’t get myself to do it. The point…the truth of the matter is that no one should smoke including me. I am not separate from this judgment you see. You shouldn’t smoke because I say so, but because, truthfully, it won’t help you. In fact, it will hurt you. My punishment will come. So, my argument is, if truth is relative then smoking is neither good nor bad. It’s smoking. It is what it is and if it benefits you then go ahead and do it. Those who say this are promoting it more than they are anything else. They say they’re on the fence, which is why it makes their view so dangerous, because they don’t care about what you do, but only themselves. But you won’t see very many people who believe in a relative truth promoting cigarettes because they have an innate moral nature that says otherwise. Saying that it’s true for you doesn’t mean it isn’t a lie. I realize this and want to know the real truth because of this fact.
Going back to judgment. Does giving me the truth about something give me the right to judge the person who goes against it? By no means! I have no right to judge you as a bad person because you do something bad. “Hate the sin, not the sinner.”
“Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”
Like I said, those who are on the fence are the most dangerous. Especially the one who knows the truth but chooses the fence. He doesn’t want to help you. He doesn’t want to be decisive; because this would mean choosing a side and the other side would be against him. He wants to look like he’s neutral and let’s us do what we want when he knows perfectly well what the truth of the matter is. He could help us you know? He could help guide and direct us in the right direction, but he won’t. Why? Because that would mean commitment to a side. That would mean standing up for someone or something. He stands up for himself and he thinks you should to. He’s a liar and a deceiver. He says stand up for yourself…LIKE ME. He stands on the fence, but he has his own side, one that you can’t see until your on the fence with him. You’ll realize that the fence he’s on is one to throw you off of. One to throw you into the side that goes against helping you. He’ll say, but this was really the truth and you ignored it for your own benefit. Down you go. Oh, the Lord rebuke this person! He is the one that is jealous of man, of God and anyone else…

Alright, so here’s a thought: I’m going to use baseball as an example. One may know how to throw a ball and catch a ball with a mitt, but can you play the game of baseball without knowing how to play? One must teach another how to play in order to play the game. Otherwise you’ll be aimlessly catching and throwing the ball around without knowing why, let alone how to play the game. Also, maybe you can hit the ball…but what then? What are the rules? What next? The same—I believe—goes with life. There are a lot of people who know how to love, but why do you love? How do you love and what are the rules of the game? I know many people who show love and demonstrate love in what they do, but do not know who love is, or what love truly is. They do it, because someone’s taught them what love is. How do you love another? What is love to you? Is it love, or is it a false sense of what love is? These are questions that must arise in order to find the truth. I believe that everyone has the potential to love, but it’s a matter of recognizing it as such and doing it for the purpose of love. EVERYONE. Think about it for a bit and get back to me.