To Stand

"Help me love myself as You love me so that I may love others as myself."

This is a written prayer for me. It was sparked a month ago when I felt resentment towards others and towards myself. There are so many layers of emotions and thoughts that leave me condemning myself and in return (unfortunately) condemning others. I don't like myself sometimes. Like I said in a previous entry, I don't trust myself. This all becomes external and I project it upon others. I began to pray to God asking Him for trust, love, patience, peace, kindness, etc...but the main prayer that hurt to say, but felt true to how I felt was the prayer above. Now, I know that I'll never have the capacity to love like God. It's not a bad thing to want to love like Him though. This isn't worldly love, or self-adoration/pride, or any abominable desire. It's the acknowledgment of the love I'm given and only feeling a desire, a joy, a fountain of love grow inside that quite naturally wants to love back. Some of you know what I'm talking about. This is true love. There's a Spirit that fills you, blankets you and moves you and it's...glorious.

So...in regards to this prayer. In regards to the faithfulness of the Lord...He answered. I've found, rather, seen a part of me that I truly love. I have this deep, bass-like moan of love for this part of me that I'd love to take care of and watch grow. Not only this, but give shelter to it in Christ. It's a part of me that I was born with and have had with me since. It's never left. I've seen it try to take form in my search for an identity, but I could never grasp it's idea, it's action, it's heart, it's soul. It is valiant, courageous, fearless, heroic, compassionate, strong, giving, majestic, humble, lover of justice, and more to yet be revealed. It's the hero inside of me I've always wanted to be. It's the desire to to serve and protect. I love this part of me that desires these things. These are not bad things to want in the name of Christ, for Christ, with Christ, in thanks to the Father through the Spirit. No, these are noble things. Honorable things. Spiritual things that I someday hope will glorify God. SomeDay, this part of me will be revealed in truth.

I've seen a part of myself that I love and there's no other being to thank than the I AM who I AM. My God who is worthy of praise. All glory to the Lord and may creation sing, dance, be and worship Him forever and ever! Who is like God?!
Amen!