Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Well, what can I say? Women. I don't know what's going on, but for the last month or so my mind can't seem to avoid them. Now, this poses a problem for me. It seems as though that they're on my mind more than God and it's bothering me.

"Dear God, thank you for today and all that You do that I'm not even aware of. WOMEN. Thank you for loving me more than I know or understand...I pray that our relationship grows and grows and that You and I can be closer than ever before. I want to be closer to You than anything and...WOMEN. And...um...I pray that I can start concentrati--WOMEN--concentrating on Your will and focus o--WOMEN--on You...I'm sorry, God but what the heck is going on?" Seriously. That doesn't even encompass the issue.

I feel it's important to note an episode that I went through about seven months ago. I had this huge desire to be one with God. I mean, to be completely His and live my life isolated in His love. To become, in a sense, a monk. So, in this passionate desire I decided to not get married, or to get involved in a relationship and keep my focus completely on God. Now I'm not sure if it was wise for me to tell my parents about this, but I did and they didn't really accept it with a huge smile on their faces. I felt my mom was a bit offended and disappointed that her only son had decided to swear off women and that she wouldn't be having a grandchild. My dad just didn't get it. How could his son swear off women?

So, here's my dilemma: if I truly do decide to never get married then, A, no sex ; B no grandchildren for the parents; C, the Zaragoza name dies. I'm the last of the Zaragozas; D, I may miss something that I'm not even aware of that actually may be beneficial for God and I. Alright, and if I decide to just let all of this go and pursue this desire for the opposite sex, then my relationship with God weakens for lack of complete devotion to Him...and that's pretty damn important to me. Thinking about all of this I can't help but think about Paul's passage in 1 Corinthians 7.
"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided...I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." He also says earlier, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." So I'm at a mental fork in the road and I'm honestly not sure what to do.

And my attention is divided already, should I give in or should resist...is this a test? Don't think I didn't pray about this with God--being unmarried for the rest of my life. He knows more than I do about it. So, what's up with this? I feel like He isn't going to make this easy for me. Either He's trying to tell me something about my heart, or Satan is doing an exquisite job at pulling me away from God.

Women. What do you do to us men? I mean, I love ya', but...c'mon already...we've been at this since the beginning.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

And I Continue

Well, I'm in a band now. A friend from church, Connie, asked me to join her band Consider the Raven for a fund-raising event called Let Kids Be Kids. The event is to promote an end to sex trafficking. I'm pretty excited that I'm going to be a part of this. I feel like a superhero. I practiced with them on Sunday and they asked me to join as a full time member (guitarist) for their band and I accepted. I've never been a part of a band I didn't try starting myself and it's refreshing to just be in the background, supporting the music. It makes it easy when you enjoy what you play as well. So, we'll see where this takes me and the rest of the band. It should be a great growing process for us all. I find it peculiar that the band name is taken from Jesus' lesson on anxiety, which I've been struggling with for the past year and a half...so...we'll see what happens.

I've found that every word describing God, describes Him completely. There isn't a word that doesn't miss a part of who He is. It's an X=X=X infinitum. For instance; God is love, is light, is righteous, is good, is faithful, is true, is holy, is loyal, is spirit, is mighty, is awesome, , is eternal, is God, etc. If one were to plug in a description/characteristic/quality of His being into an already present verse of His description, it would only add to your understanding of who He is and bring forth a layer of the Word you never thought existed. Try it. He is complete and when you talk of one thing about Him, you talk about everything about Him.

I'm a sucker for knowledge; a weakness and a strength; my downfall and my rise.

While in this funk of spiritual Novocaine I'm afraid of the pain after the surgery, but excited to see/feel/know the results. I'm tired of moaning about it and I'm tired of being tired...so I'm just shrugging. I mean...we'll see.

The opposite of worry is trust. The opposite of fear is courageous trust.

"Love. Pursue love. Fear not. Trust me. Love."

Flchr. Joshua

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fishing in the Dark

When you reach your hand in to your pocket (looking for something specific), knowing that it is in there, you grab something. You didn't think, you grabbed. You walk off, absent minded, and realize you didn't grab what you were looking for, but instead other items that aren't as important to you as this one object. So you go back and grab what it is you were looking for.

Then you realize that this has to do with something divine. You realize that this has to do with your perception, your life, your heart, your mind. You realize that this small, usual, occurrence has relevance with your Great Love. And you gather what's been taught and you reach into your pocket and you find what you're looking for, but only because you knew what you were looking for.

And sometimes you'll find more.