Sunday, December 13, 2009

I used to be more outgoing,
and brave.

And I used to be more rebellious,
and arrogant.

Now I'm reflective.

What I Did on 12.12.09

Yesterday I was invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party by the drummer of my band, James. I called another friend from the band, Ali and told her of the invite I had received and passed it along to her via voice mail. He called me later and told me that I could come but there was only seven people and it was up to me if I felt like going. I told him I'd call him if I decided to venture on over. Ali never called back and I didn't really feel like going so I stayed in for a while contemplating whether or not I should go.
So, I sat for a bit, ate some food, watched Gangs of New York (eh), and decided to get some cigarettes. On my way to the gas station, I felt like staying out on the road for a while instead of going back immediately after purchasing the cigarettes. The gas station on Brighton Blvd. I was heading towards was closed so I kept on going to another gas station on the corner of Brighton and I-70. I bought my cigarettes a bottle of Naked juice and went on my way. Since I-70 was right there I got on it and drove west for a bit, then I decided to exit off on to I-25 and head north and drive to where I felt I wanted to go. I had the urge to be in the mountains so I exited on to Highway 36 and went towards Boulder. It was a bit windy and my windshield was a bit dirty so driving seemed to be a bit of a struggle. I kept going. I eventually found myself on Baseline going south which then turned into Flagstaff, which I remained on for a good hour or so. I thought it would lead me to the top of the mountain I was winding my way up on, but it only led me over the mountain...deeper into more mountains. This was a bit disappointing. I didn't know where I was going, when I'd stop or why I had decided to do this, but it was dark, it was windy and it was a bit chilly. The road was windy and I seemed to be the only one in the world. I eventually found a dirt road that led me down a windy way. I thought of my a dream I had once that reminded me (somewhat) of this, God, girls, music, and what in the heck I was doing. I decided to pull over at a little pit stop area and just sit on the ground and pray for a bit. The silence was fearsome. It was me, the wind through the pines, the sky and this ominous cloud from the west that was creeping over the mountains. I saw a shooting star and the clouds began to move faster and the wind grew and the cloud grew. It was awe-some. But nothing happened. One car passed by as I gazed at the stars and a weird light (which, at the time I thought were headlights from another car) appeared, but nothing came of it...probably just my imagination. Other than that...nothing. I suppose I expected more. Some kind of experience I could take home with me, but all I have is this: a list of happenings that don't amount to anything, but a story of what I did last night December 12, 2009.
I read Psalm 23 and 24, which seemed to have some kind of coincidental reference, but didn't feel much like interpreting it. I sat for a bit in my car and drove back home. The only thing I loved, was the grand silence. The distractions of the world make God and creation seem so small, but when it's just you, the silence, the wind, the sky, and God...well, you feel very small and insignificant. You understand the phrase "The Fear of the Lord." God definitely feels bigger and mightier.
That's it. Just thought I'd put it down on...screen?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Okay...what's up.

Should I type? Discuss the latest in my heart’s trend? Or have I already said too much?

I’ve said too much.
I’ve over thought.

Be strong. Stand firm.
This isn’t your fight.
Give up.
The Lord is a warrior. Warrior is His name.
Roll over?
Stand firm.
Turn the other cheek.
David fought.
You’re not David.
Take initiative?...


Does love supply the gossip?
Or rebuke when they show the match?
Love lets!
Ya’ know…at times I wish it did.
Let me do this!
Let me do that!
…and it does, but not without consequence.
What consequence?
I’m shruggin’.
And I can’t say this is absolute.
I can’t say this is always that way.
I can’t say much, but I feel I must defend.
Do you understand?
Do you get this?
Do you know how this feels?
You who loves:
Stand up for your love,
But don’t fight.
Stand up for your love,
And take flight. (That just rhymes. It doesn’t make sense.)
Duty. What is that word?
Respect. Something you’ve heard?
Individuality. Independence. Tolerance. Coexistance.
Great words. Great ideas.
How will we get there?
I will propose.
I will suggest.
I will demand.
I will confess.
But look at me. Who am I to talk?
I was just told I was loved by God Himself.

“They’re adults. They know what they’re doing.”
What a respectable thing to say at such a young age.
Can we say it now?
Can we say this today?
I don’t think all of us can.
And this is what I feel God wants from us all.
“Son. Trust me.”
No offense, but I have some issues with this.
I hope You don’t expect me to do this.
And if You do,
Cut me some slack…
Rather, help me cut myself with some slack.
And do you think God understands?
Be strong.
Stand firm.
Confidence is key.

What do you want from me?

And it used to be about uniqueness.
It used to be about genius.
It used to be about me…
And I guess it still is.

And I thought it was her heart I needed to bare.
But it was mine that she wanted.
And I blamed her instead.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Well, what can I say? Women. I don't know what's going on, but for the last month or so my mind can't seem to avoid them. Now, this poses a problem for me. It seems as though that they're on my mind more than God and it's bothering me.

"Dear God, thank you for today and all that You do that I'm not even aware of. WOMEN. Thank you for loving me more than I know or understand...I pray that our relationship grows and grows and that You and I can be closer than ever before. I want to be closer to You than anything and...WOMEN. pray that I can start concentrati--WOMEN--concentrating on Your will and focus o--WOMEN--on You...I'm sorry, God but what the heck is going on?" Seriously. That doesn't even encompass the issue.

I feel it's important to note an episode that I went through about seven months ago. I had this huge desire to be one with God. I mean, to be completely His and live my life isolated in His love. To become, in a sense, a monk. So, in this passionate desire I decided to not get married, or to get involved in a relationship and keep my focus completely on God. Now I'm not sure if it was wise for me to tell my parents about this, but I did and they didn't really accept it with a huge smile on their faces. I felt my mom was a bit offended and disappointed that her only son had decided to swear off women and that she wouldn't be having a grandchild. My dad just didn't get it. How could his son swear off women?

So, here's my dilemma: if I truly do decide to never get married then, A, no sex ; B no grandchildren for the parents; C, the Zaragoza name dies. I'm the last of the Zaragozas; D, I may miss something that I'm not even aware of that actually may be beneficial for God and I. Alright, and if I decide to just let all of this go and pursue this desire for the opposite sex, then my relationship with God weakens for lack of complete devotion to Him...and that's pretty damn important to me. Thinking about all of this I can't help but think about Paul's passage in 1 Corinthians 7.
"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided...I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." He also says earlier, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." So I'm at a mental fork in the road and I'm honestly not sure what to do.

And my attention is divided already, should I give in or should this a test? Don't think I didn't pray about this with God--being unmarried for the rest of my life. He knows more than I do about it. So, what's up with this? I feel like He isn't going to make this easy for me. Either He's trying to tell me something about my heart, or Satan is doing an exquisite job at pulling me away from God.

Women. What do you do to us men? I mean, I love ya', but...c'mon already...we've been at this since the beginning.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

And I Continue

Well, I'm in a band now. A friend from church, Connie, asked me to join her band Consider the Raven for a fund-raising event called Let Kids Be Kids. The event is to promote an end to sex trafficking. I'm pretty excited that I'm going to be a part of this. I feel like a superhero. I practiced with them on Sunday and they asked me to join as a full time member (guitarist) for their band and I accepted. I've never been a part of a band I didn't try starting myself and it's refreshing to just be in the background, supporting the music. It makes it easy when you enjoy what you play as well. So, we'll see where this takes me and the rest of the band. It should be a great growing process for us all. I find it peculiar that the band name is taken from Jesus' lesson on anxiety, which I've been struggling with for the past year and a'll see what happens.

I've found that every word describing God, describes Him completely. There isn't a word that doesn't miss a part of who He is. It's an X=X=X infinitum. For instance; God is love, is light, is righteous, is good, is faithful, is true, is holy, is loyal, is spirit, is mighty, is awesome, , is eternal, is God, etc. If one were to plug in a description/characteristic/quality of His being into an already present verse of His description, it would only add to your understanding of who He is and bring forth a layer of the Word you never thought existed. Try it. He is complete and when you talk of one thing about Him, you talk about everything about Him.

I'm a sucker for knowledge; a weakness and a strength; my downfall and my rise.

While in this funk of spiritual Novocaine I'm afraid of the pain after the surgery, but excited to see/feel/know the results. I'm tired of moaning about it and I'm tired of being I'm just shrugging. I mean...we'll see.

The opposite of worry is trust. The opposite of fear is courageous trust.

"Love. Pursue love. Fear not. Trust me. Love."

Flchr. Joshua

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fishing in the Dark

When you reach your hand in to your pocket (looking for something specific), knowing that it is in there, you grab something. You didn't think, you grabbed. You walk off, absent minded, and realize you didn't grab what you were looking for, but instead other items that aren't as important to you as this one object. So you go back and grab what it is you were looking for.

Then you realize that this has to do with something divine. You realize that this has to do with your perception, your life, your heart, your mind. You realize that this small, usual, occurrence has relevance with your Great Love. And you gather what's been taught and you reach into your pocket and you find what you're looking for, but only because you knew what you were looking for.

And sometimes you'll find more.


Sunday, September 27, 2009

Building Blocks of Thought

I want to write something basic.
Something small, nothing profound or large.
Just something like:
I think Dr. Pepper is my favorite soda
and it seems to be getting
more popular
among others too.
I enjoyed my time watching
the Broncos game with my friend Brad today.
I saw two white doves fly
above my car
as I was driving with my friend Chris
a few weeks ago,
I like Naked juice.

Even these things seem forced
and the fact that I have to say that
makes the statements
lose their intent.

I like the smell of wet woodchips
after a rain
or soaked cedar
even dried,
but I can't stand
the smell of a paper mill.

I like pressing the edge
of exposed pages
of a book
against my lips.
Or pressing an open book
against my face
to smell,
to feel.

I like massaging
the gap between
my forefinger
and middle finger
with my thumb
or something soft
and smooth.

I stopped for a beetle to cross my path.

And I can't help but think deeply
about these things I've said,
it's in my nature
and my nature
has a head.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Woops, That's Your Horse...Let me Get Down.

As I continue my time at school and as I continue my consumption of knowledge, my knowledge in the Spirit has brought up these verses, "Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies. If anyone supposes that he knows anything, he has not yet known as he ought to know; but if anyone loves God, he is known by Him." (1 Corinthian 8:1-3) These verses have popped up before in my life. The depths of them I have yet to know completely, but the thing that convicted me was the first part.

One of my classes at school is Philosophy of Art and the class straight up captivates me. I love it. However, in my gathering of new knowledge I can't help but notice the fact that I sometimes like to parade it around like a scepter. This is arrogance. And when I become arrogant I lose sight of others and focus on my understanding and knowledge above everyone else's, thus disobeying the commandment, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself," and even the greatest, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your might." I've made knowledge an idol, which is why I think Paul says,--right before "Knowledge makes arrogant..."--"Now concerning things sacrificed to idols, we know that we all have knowledge." I don't completely understand this statement, but I'm sure it has to do with the fact of making knowledge an idol.

So, in my pursuit to be who God has made me to be in His image I must keep in mind that above everything else He asks of me I must first seek Love. I'm not saying knowledge is bad. No, what I'm saying is that what you do with knowledge can be. First is love, then knowledge for those who need edification in education. I consider the intellectual part of my be, a gift and when I began to idolize the gift instead of the Giver, the gift no longer has the same meaning. I am no longer grateful because I took away the reason of the gift: Love.

May I love you first, in faith, in hope, in humility, and in truth. May these things be pleasing in the sight of God and may you glorify Him on behalf of our King, Christ Jesus.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Because I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

This is an excerpt--a quote--from The Gay Science by Frederick Nietzsche. It's known as the "God is dead" statement. It captivated me when I heard it from Christian apologist, Ravi Zacharias in a lecture called "Deliver Us From Evil" from The Veritas Forum at Listen to this:

Have you not heard of that madman who lit a lantern in the bright morning hours, ran to the market-place, and cried incessantly: "I am looking for God! I am looking for God!"
As many of those who did not believe in God were standing together there, he excited considerable laughter. Have you lost him, then? said one. Did he lose his way like a child? said another. Or is he hiding? Is he afraid of us? Has he gone on a voyage? or emigrated? Thus they shouted and laughed. The madman sprang into their midst and pierced them with his glances.

"Where has God gone?" he cried. "I shall tell you. We have killed him - you and I. We are his murderers. But how have we done this? How were we able to drink up the sea? Who gave us the sponge to wipe away the entire horizon? What did we do when we unchained the earth from its sun? Whither is it moving now? Whither are we moving now? Away from all suns? Are we not perpetually falling? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there any up or down left? Are we not straying as through an infinite nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not become colder? Is it not more and more night coming on all the time? Must not lanterns be lit in the morning? Do we not hear anything yet of the noise of the gravediggers who are burying God? Do we not smell anything yet of God's decomposition? Gods too decompose. God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we, murderers of all murderers, console ourselves? That which was the holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet possessed has bled to death under our knives. Who will wipe this blood off us? With what water could we purify ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we need to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we not ourselves become gods simply to be worthy of it? There has never been a greater deed; and whosoever shall be born after us - for the sake of this deed he shall be part of a higher history than all history hitherto."

Here the madman fell silent and again regarded his listeners; and they too were silent and stared at him in astonishment. At last he threw his lantern to the ground, and it broke and went out. "I have come too early," he said then; "my time has not come yet. The tremendous event is still on its way, still travelling - it has not yet reached the ears of men. Lightning and thunder require time, the light of the stars requires time, deeds require time even after they are done, before they can be seen and heard. This deed is still more distant from them than the distant stars - and yet they have done it themselves."

It has been further related that on that same day the madman entered divers churches and there sang a requiem. Led out and quietened, he is said to have retorted each time: "what are these churches now if they are not the tombs and sepulchres of God?"

Chew on that for a bit. Find its relations to culture and the world. "Secularization."


Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Not sure what to write, really, but feel I should update myself on recent activity.

Service. Yes, service. Applying my faith. "So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead..." and, "Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works." Now, if I did this according to works of the law in order to be justified, I'd toil for nothing. First came the faith, then came the works. For I am moved to work through the Spirit in Christ by faith. If I work, but do not believe, then what will my work obtain for me? Will my work justify me? No! I am justified because I believe God. So I work for God in faith, not to be justified, but to grow, for "A generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered." And If I say I believe, but do not listen, nor do I trust who I listen to, and do not abide by my proclamation, then am I saved?

This is my recent development. I'm trying to start paying a little better attention to His word. To hear and do. To take commandment. To take direction. To go towards the light. Pray I'm lead to Him, for Him, with Him, by Him, in Him, through Him, in thanks to Him.

That's it for now. I'll let James, Paul and Solomon's words sink in a bit.


The above brought to you by God. (James 2:17, 18; Romans 4; Proverbs 11:25)

Monday, September 7, 2009

Some Things Just Need to End.

If I told you the truth,
would it ring true?
Or would it ring something
wrong within you?
When I say what's happened
And I say what's been
Will you observe
without prior judgment?
If I told you a story,
of a boy and his mistakes
Would you love the character
Or would he leave a bad taste?

One chilly night, high in the night
a boy named Fletcher
dipped his heart in to lies.
As he sat before a fire
he began to shake.
He felt a chill blowing at him
as he drank and drank.
He saw a devil blowing cold air
he whispered with his sock puppet
With angel hair.
Fletcher crouched and shook,
Cold, he looked
like the weight of his sins
had collapsed on him again.
So he searched for protection,
he searched for warmth.
The fire before him
was not warming his heart.
"My faithfulness is your shield
and your bulwark"
he heard in his mind.
He was being loved despite this time in his life.
Fletcher knew he tripped
and stumbled again,
but this didn't stop him
from being loved with sin.
With a devil like Jack Frost
pulling him with a string
Fletcher remembered
that Love conquers everything.
So he clung to the words
that his Father gave,
stood up straight and
smiled, "I am saved."

Though I let myself
take the bait
I am not defeated
nor will I accept this fate.
For God is true
and He is kind,
Yes, He is love
and love does not die.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

On The Steed Towards The Horizon

So, I'm back in school as of August 31st. Some thoughts that have found me quite pleased in this new adventure have arrived in faith in Christ through His Spirit...thanks to Dad.
It has only recently--within this last week--been reminded to me as to who I am. Simply, an image of His likeness. For he made man in His image, according to His likeness. As an artist this truly struck me. After only a small (I admit) amount of study in aesthetics, I already get a--vague--sense of my calling, my life, my love, and most importantly a sense about God and our holy, sacred, eternal relationship in Christ.
To put it simply (again), I am a piece of artwork (...and sometimes a piece of work) by, for, of, in, through, and to God. I am His expression and His creation. He is the True Artist of the universe. Now that I see this, ever-so-lightly, I can begin to see myself through His eyes as an Artist. I can relate with Him on a very different, fresh, but familiar level; one I never looked too closely at before. There is little I can say to begin describing how this looks and what it feels like...mainly because I don't really get it myself. It's just a light gesture drawing of the master-piece being created/completed.
Art is the ultimate expression of who I am. I write music, write poetry, write thoughts, draw, paint, and make symbols in order to show what and how I feel and who I am. Sometimes I use them to figure myself out and to observe my patterns. I look at a tree, or a human being, or a relationship between a cat and her owner, or a car, or a sunset, or a fire, or any other thing, big and/or small and I see the expression of God. I see everything as an expression, a special messenger--a directional arrow--of God. I think mankind is the deepest one out of all of them. He is God's ultimate expression and I love being myself like Him in that way: to--literally--draw out His word and to point them back to Him like an arrow; to embrace myself as a representation, an expression, an arrow...and add fletching to me through my art, so to give myself flight back to Him. That's why, I believe, I'm identified as Fletcher in name. For my name is also my title. I am an arrow maker of, for, through, in and like God to represent who He is. I pursue to be and expression of who He is; to be a part of His artwork. Yes, to understand what it's like to be the work of an artist; to take joy in the fact that I'm a part of God expressing Himself. Not to be Him, but to be His expression. There's more room to be me that way.
You see, He gave you a gift. This gift is a treasure that keeps getting bigger. This gift is for many reasons and one is to understand and know God better. love yourself as He loves you so that you may love others as yourself. Yes, he gave you something that you know, that you love, that you experience day after day that reflects the Giver. Sometimes you can't even see it, it's so obvious. Sometimes it takes seeking. Sometimes you already know. Anyhow, this is His image, get to know Him in it.
What is God's image of you according to His likeness?

Hint: It has to do with your heart.


Your Friendly Neighborhood,

*God willing.

Friday, August 28, 2009

The Road To Come

1) Recently, I've been meditating on this verse "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, "My refuge, my fortress, my God in whom I trust!"

2) I found this entry in one of my computer journals during this morning's sleepless night. I was shocked to read what I read. I had forgotten about what it had said and how I interpreted it.

3) The last blog post is relevant.

4) I'm not lying.


I’ll start off this entry by saying that I’m nervous about entering it. You see, I deleted my vast volume of dreams a while ago with the intent of letting go of a presumption about God and myself in order to get closer to Him. Simply: I read into things too much and dreams happen to be one of these things. With my proud and idolatry manor of reading into things, I seek for myself and not God. So, saying these things I’d like to pray, God, that You forgive me for writing this down if it isn’t going to glorify you. I hope that this dream isn’t bad and that it’s only to help You and me and our relationship.



In the dream I was with my mom (I think) and I was outside near an area where we could sit. There was an average looking elderly man with his wife. He was wearing a maroon shirt and had a little bit of a belly. He had glasses. His complexion was darker and he and his wife were talking to each other. I was near, so I happened to be listening with interest. He was a jolly happy man and his wife was a jolly happy woman. She wore glasses too. He was talking with her and I remember him say, “eternal.” We some how were introduced. I got up and felt moved to hug him; to just hug him. I grabbed him and held him for a bit, but it turned around and he began holding me and praying for me. I can’t remember what he said, but he suddenly began praying for me as if he needed to. I felt a very wise, comforting, and loving feeling from this man. He was very…down to earth. While he was praying I started crying and after he was done I fell to my knees and couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t happiness, but rather sorrow. It wasn’t dread or dismay, but just…feeling emotional about the prayer. He put his hand on me and I continued to cry. I remember seeing a whole group of people around me, surrounding me looking at me. I was on one knee and couldn’t get up, nor did I want to. I look around with the feeling that they were witnessing what I never understood, but what they all did and it brought me to my knees.


I was with my comfort, my shelter, my protection and guidance near my indecision where I would sit and idle about the road to come. There was a wise, spiritually powerful man wearing courage, bravery, heroism and strength. He was in a marriage relationship that was happy, light-hearted, true and real. They laughed, joked, conversed, and discussed about things. They both could see clearly, though the wife needed help seeing all the time, the man didn’t…only some of the time. Some things he didn’t need help seeing. He spoke of things eternal to her and together they talked about it. I got up from my idling and indecision and began to love and care for him. He in return began loving me and nurturing me. He called on higher help to help me let go of my worries. He represented how I perceive my wisdom and spiritual power. His relationship with his wife is how I wish I could have relationships with my discord and unresolved issues…in humor, happiness, laughter, discussion, conversion. It’s what I lack or what I think is missing. While he was calling on higher help I began healing in humility. I was emotional and sensitive and close to both him and a part of myself. Then various aspects of my character and personality began merging. I was open to this influence and to others and was humble and didn’t want to not be. I looked around with the feeling that my character, personality, and others were witnessing what I never understood, and it humbled healed me.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

To Stand

"Help me love myself as You love me so that I may love others as myself."

This is a written prayer for me. It was sparked a month ago when I felt resentment towards others and towards myself. There are so many layers of emotions and thoughts that leave me condemning myself and in return (unfortunately) condemning others. I don't like myself sometimes. Like I said in a previous entry, I don't trust myself. This all becomes external and I project it upon others. I began to pray to God asking Him for trust, love, patience, peace, kindness, etc...but the main prayer that hurt to say, but felt true to how I felt was the prayer above. Now, I know that I'll never have the capacity to love like God. It's not a bad thing to want to love like Him though. This isn't worldly love, or self-adoration/pride, or any abominable desire. It's the acknowledgment of the love I'm given and only feeling a desire, a joy, a fountain of love grow inside that quite naturally wants to love back. Some of you know what I'm talking about. This is true love. There's a Spirit that fills you, blankets you and moves you and it's...glorious. regards to this prayer. In regards to the faithfulness of the Lord...He answered. I've found, rather, seen a part of me that I truly love. I have this deep, bass-like moan of love for this part of me that I'd love to take care of and watch grow. Not only this, but give shelter to it in Christ. It's a part of me that I was born with and have had with me since. It's never left. I've seen it try to take form in my search for an identity, but I could never grasp it's idea, it's action, it's heart, it's soul. It is valiant, courageous, fearless, heroic, compassionate, strong, giving, majestic, humble, lover of justice, and more to yet be revealed. It's the hero inside of me I've always wanted to be. It's the desire to to serve and protect. I love this part of me that desires these things. These are not bad things to want in the name of Christ, for Christ, with Christ, in thanks to the Father through the Spirit. No, these are noble things. Honorable things. Spiritual things that I someday hope will glorify God. SomeDay, this part of me will be revealed in truth.

I've seen a part of myself that I love and there's no other being to thank than the I AM who I AM. My God who is worthy of praise. All glory to the Lord and may creation sing, dance, be and worship Him forever and ever! Who is like God?!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Where The Men Come and Go Talking of Women Without Clothes

It should be expected that today I was going to write about last night. It was the last word before the punctuation mark and I'm not sure If I like what was said...

After returning from the sun itself (Phoenix) and being removed from my common routines, I felt a new sense of strength to do what I've never done face the flames and jump off the high dive. It was exciting and frightening, but I wanted to do it so much that I started looking for reasons to "Fear not." To do, say, or think without feeling frightened. To put my hope and trust in God's hands and let my fears become weak before not let them own my decisions and overwhelm my ways. I felt a longing to stand for what I believe and a longing to start moving and not let my "Learned Helplessness" keep me from being the resilient, strong, valiant, faithful, humble, joyful, courageous young man that God and I, both, would love to see.

But of course, I'd actually have to be challenged. This wouldn't be able to happen overnight nor would it be able to happen without a real challenge. So be it.

I've thought about the phrase "a wolf in sheep's clothing" in many different facets, but the one that I've thought about lately is "a sheep in wolf's clothing." Now, what this exactly means...I'm not sure, but it sounds interesting doesn't it? There's probably some moral/ethical/heretical/whatever reason why this phrase may be completely ridiculous, but the reason why I thought of it, isn't. I don't have very many Christian friends. There are many reasons why this is and they're mainly because I'm not making an effort to get to know my brothers and sisters. I'm a lone sheep, not a lone wolf, a lone sheep amidst a pack of wolves. Yes, they know I'm Christian, but in order to be a wolf you've gotta' look like a wolf and that's about as far as I can go. I certainly can't act like's against my nature. This is one piece of clothing that I would no longer like to wear...I'm working on it.

And what about last night?
Oh, the celebration with gold!
A birthday! A birthday!
Someone's twenty-one year's old!
Let us drink tell we drop
and let us all track for sex
We shall spend the whole night
promoting our deaths!
"For life is short
and we must live like fools.
So here's to living
against the Reason we choose."
But I said nothing,
my lips were shut.
Criticized for not wanting
to be a part of this
I chose to not fuss.
I was weak to my fear
of saying "no."
And it was my friend's birthday
how could I refuse it so?
Such a cold response,
"What else would you do?"
If I could just say,
as a matter of fact,
I'm going to stay at home
and stay away from your acts.
I want no part
of your celebration.
Happy Birthday my friend,
but I cannot celebrate it
like that."
But on I went
towards the slaughter.
Where my blood would
be crying out to my Father.
Make no mistake,
I make them a lot.
I do not justify myself
for what I sought.
Drink after drink
I lost myself.
Drink after drink
they had the upper hand.
This is their nature
and they live it well,
"Let us watch women
undress themselves"
O Lust!
The Lord rebuke you Lust!
I was dragged to the grave
and there was Lust.
With no ride,
with no car,
too drunk for one
and weak for the other,
darkness hugged me into
Where there were women
undressing themselves.
Wolves at dinner,
wolves at play,
wolves a sinner
wolves their prey.
So outside I stayed...

Friday, August 14, 2009

Man Maid Services

A soy decaf latte in one hand,
a cigarette in the other
I paused from both
for a passing brother.
Perched next to a federal building,
I shut my eyes and prayed.
I let go of what I thought,
but what I believe stayed.
I didn't expect him to stop and talk
I didn't expect much at all.
I just sat, meditated and prayed,
That God would bless his walk.
In my contemplation he interrupted
it with, "Hey..."
I opened my eyes and said, "What's up?"
In a gentle "what do you need?" manner.
He hesitantly asked for a cigarette
and I willingly obliged.
"Do you need a light?" I asked.
He fumbled the question as I was reaching for my pocket.
"You need a light." I stated and gave him a white Bic lighter.
He replied with, "Yeah, I need a lamp."
And I was taken aback.
What a curious thing to say after I had just prayed.
God still fresh in my mind
I was a little surprised.
And all I could reply was, "A lamp,"
and I chuckled.
What did he mean?
Was he aware of what this could possibly say?
And God, did You want me to say more?
Or perhaps be what he was asking for?
A lamp, a light, a flame for his life?
No matter, he said his thank yous and left.
I said, "Have a good one."
He replied after a few seconds,
"You too."
What a curious happening.
What an interesting encounter.
Oh God, what were trying to tell me
with that passing brother?

I sat down again to finish my smoke.
I shut my eyes and let go of my thoughts.
I prayed for the passing people and prayed
that God would bless their day.
I got up not realizing that my cigarette was out
and continued to my car still praying.
I sat for a bit before I started and
gave some time over to God.
Just being there letting go of my agenda
for a moment before I'd go on.
I had given my last cigarette to the passer-by
and was on my way to getting another pack.
I knew quite well that I shouldn't feed the addiction
but went anyway for my habit's snack.
But God is good and He uses the ugly for His own.
For when I had bought my cigarettes,
on the way to my car,
a man stopped me for a won't-pay-back loan.
With a red gas jug in hand
he asked me for a ride to a gas station.
In worry of his motive I
said, "Sure."
I looked at him while asking me and prayed to God,
"What do you want me to do here? Should I help him or not?"
Confidence and trust hit me soft
so I let him into my car and helped him go on.
His name was Ivan,
and he was from Salt Lake.
He was very apologetic and spoke feminine-like
and vented to me in his talkative state.
He said, "I don't know you from Adam..."
"Wait, what did you say?" I said, with a smile from being hit.
"I don't know you from Adam..."
"Oh! Right on." I replied with a chuckle.
"...but God bless," he finished his statement and I was
"What a great phrase, that's awesome," I said.
I had never heard it before.
Speculations came to mind whether or not he believed in God.
But dear reader, it didn't matter.
That is the point you see.
What I offered for him was a gift not a loan like I said
On our way we saw a tire flat
He expressed his comfort in that fact.
He wasn't the only one with car troubles today
and he took comfort in this knowing that his request
wasn't in vain.
And I told him, "No you're certainly not the only one.
There's at least four other people with problems."
And on our way we witnessed four people with
two car problems.
"See. I told you you weren't the only one."
And he seemed to feel better about his situation.
And I was surprised to see what I had said,
be true.

On the way back he gave me his card.
If I ever need help moving
then he'd be willing to help, no charge.
To pay me back for what I did he gave me his card
and said thank you, again.
I told him there was no need to thank me
and I gave him some more money to fill his truck
for today.
On the card it said, "Man Maid Services."

Friday, August 7, 2009

Measure III: Judgement

...and if I expected you once,
I'll expect you twice,
Yes, I'll expect you
My expectations are a vice.

Here is my standard
Here is my line
Live up to it.
If you can't,
it's not alright.
And what's this?
What goes around
comes around?
Can I live up to what I've said?
My finger points back at me
If I can just change you
then I'll be set.
Oh don't you worry
it started with me.
I expected myself
to be all I should be.
It's a backpack of anvils
I carry in transit.
Because I can't
change myself
I'll change your habits.
I expect you to fail
and if that's too dark
I'll expect you to succeed
to hit the mark.

So here is the chapel
and here is the steeple
and here are the laws
within the people:
You must be better
than everyone else.
However this looks
do it. Do it as it melts.
Because you are flawed
you must change others
Don't listen to yourself
Don't listen to your mothers.

There is no grace within
us, no,
Just the seven sins
within a standard of old.
So, I expect you to notice,
I expect you to read,
I expect you to listen,
I expect you to breathe.
One of those is natural--
please take note--
the rest are up to you
to choose. I hope
that someday I can
let go of my law.
To love you in thanks
for just being flawed.
I don't want to expect
but I don't want you to mold
There's a balance in everything
dear reader,
and it's not mine to hold.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Measure II: Trust

I don't trust myself.
I'll say it again,
I don't trust myself.
"How" we'll ask.
By the mistakes I've been.
I don't trust myself to make mistakes.
This is dangerous,
for I turn to trust your ways.
As my hand has touched this fire
and been burned before,
I don't trust you either.
No, my trust is worn.
"Trust in God"
Yes, I agree.
But if you cannot trust yourself
what makes me think you can trust Peace?
So trust is the lesson that
constantly yearns
for my attention
to keep as I learn.


I'm comparing sins, which effects my trust.
It effects my judgment,
indeed, it effects much too much.
I'm comparing sins, "This one I cannot control,
therefore none of them
are in my hands to throw."
I'm comparing sins, expectations arise,
"I should be better than this.
If I'd just try..."
I'm weighing my sins, me as my own judge
I put myself under hate, unloved.
And if by chance you understand
Woe to you!
Woe I say!
And woe again!
My fellow prison mate this cell is cold
Let us fast these expectations
that we so strongly take hold!
We're comparing sins, you and I
Will we amount to
this treacherous lie?
We're comparing sins, you and me
"Mine is worse"
"No mine is, can't you see?"
We're comparing sins, swapping hate
Immersed in self-pity,
erratic debate!
So I will live you with this
as I expect you not:
Graceful is the dance
of the liar's tongue.
Like fire it dances
and like fire it burns,
therefore my dear reader
is the standard I spurn.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Dream Deja Vu

Have you ever had deja vu,
but could recall from where
you experienced it before?
Have you ever had a dream
come back in to your head
and remind you
that the time your living
had to do with what it said?
Have you ever believed
that your dreams were sent,
and believed that they were lies?
So, if all of the above
has happened to you,
tell me my empathetic reader,
what did you do?
If two sides of the balance of truth
and lies is possible,
what am I to think we
a dream comes back to me?
Yes, when I say, "I had a
dream about this."
Yes, when I say, "This was
in my dream..."
Especially when I'd never
visited where I presently exist.
So! What am I to think?
What am I to believe?
Dear Father! Direct me!
If up could be down
and right could be left
I know not how to
differentiate them best!
Dear Father! You are my witness!
You know what's going on!
Why the dreams, the thoughts,
the ideas that come to me
in prophetic form?!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Deception's Messenger

Tonight, while celebrating birth
a battle occured, small,
as I became alert.
Whether or not this is in mind...
this happening occurs
all too often in my life.
It started like this,
a friendly kiss, by word and time
I spoke with my brother
with a drink and dime.
A bar far away
I admit my sin
I drank too much to write this again.
As time had progressed and
the alcohol pressed
he brought up another brother,
my roommate who I let slip
from my mouth as we spoke of us
even after telling myself that
gossip is slanderous.
Alcohol is poison,
it's the fool's drink.
Whoever drinks of it
will definitely sink.
He told me, so deceitfully,
for this was his prose,
"I was told you were designing
a tattoo for our friend of old."
I knew his statement and
told him this,
it's a work in
He nodded his head
and turned to his purpose
saying, "He told me of another
on his chest,
I heard this."
I must say, my dear reader,
I must confess,
that I have resentment towards
this brother,
I know his motives, I know his tongue
I'm confident in this;
he's a liar against Above.
Both have betrayed my trust, you see.
Forgiveness in this tale is key for me.
But how, my reader, can I pursue
such a task, though Christ is for both me and you?
"Love your enemies..."
Of course! I know!
But, what do I do when
I really don't know?
I hear this and that
and their words seem false...
but I'm not to judge,
I'm not to accuse,
no, I'm nothing at all!
How do I defend myself
especially when I've sinned?
With drink in hand
I'm spinning again.
You see, I want what's good,
but cannot seem to shake
the sin within me
that kills and breaks!
Ah yes, I must add this note,
this gossiper I speak of
Is not a brother at all,
no he doesn't believe in hope.
He is an enemy
once a friend,
we called ourselves "brothers"
and so,
If you read this gossip,
forgive my angst
I'm a sinner for sure,
but you want to see me betrayed!
You delight in my misery,
you delight in my fall,
you delight in the world
and I'm giving myself over
to God...everything! All!
And true brethren, if you read this
forgive me for being so bitter,
so angry,
so hateful to you.
And God, look over what I've done,
I'm nothing,
I'm someone,
I know I'm no fun.
Though I say he's a gossip n' such
What am I speaking
who am I,
with this blog?
Is it for us?
Continuing on from his words as this,
"...he said he wanted a dove on his chest,
with an olive branch."
"Peace", if you didn't get the hint.
"He couldn't help but laugh
when he told my of his plan,
for it's just a phase,
a time, untrue in his hands."
His implication was clear
though he left the truth unknown,
my roommate was never a Christian
just an actor posing as one, so...
am I that ignorant?
Am I that naive?
To not know that this boy
was deceiving me?
Either way, it doesn't matter
I'm called to love
no matter the latter.
But I can't help but feel like a fool,
angry, resentful,
Oh gossiper you've got me good!
Did you want me to feel
not what I should?
Did you want me to fail?
Did you want this written?
Did you want me to spit
curse and be ridden?
So, dear reader I turn to you,
what do you do when you're a fool?
When gossips slander
and deceivers deceive?
When people hate you
for what you believe.
Maybe, just maybe,
this is what we get
for being so strict
with our faith, yet...
How does this hit you?
How do you hear?
Am I just for what I've said
to your ears?
With my faith so weak
and my sins so strong,
how will you judge me
with this long

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Path

I will tell you of a dream
where symbols
and reflections
on the sixth day
of the month of purity
in two-thousand six.

It goes like this:
(Remember that this has since
not been revealed to me.
Under mystery,
I wondered if it were true
being that dreams will deceive
and they will skew.
It was during my reading
of a book of the soul
that it spoke of the dream
to orate it's goal.)

With my comrade
as "The Lord remembers,"
I started on a path
with other members
for our separate tasks.
After a gathering with
familiar faces
and strangers alike,
yes we ventured on
to the paved path of life.
Our means of transportation
were all a bit different
but our destination was the same
yes, towards the innocence.
The terrain was rocky
and mountains reached high.
The clouds were ominous
and they were threatening our lives.
I thought, "We must hurry
for the storm is coming.
The clouds are dark
and the mountains will
come crumbling,
down." With ski-like roller blades
my friend and I went on
skiing past the mass
ahead of them all.
We led the group for a time,
but I had to take a break
I was tired of trying
and a breath I needed before
I could continue riding.
I was disappointed in myself
and disappointed we were being
passed by.
I sat on the ground waiting
to give it another try.
My friend waited for me as the groups
went on.
I saw churches that I never knew passing along.
Now were last, we were behind
on our journey I had to press on.
So we started the way
as it was narrow and winding
passing trees and bushes,
into the frightening.
We passed the groups,
the churches and members alike
we were at the front again
leading like lights.
And on the way to the front
I passed two girls
reading a guide from their
community about the mountain skyline.
With joyful words
and joyful tongues
they read a prayer
from this guide of psalms,
"God is my milk.
He has made us this path..."
And one of them said,
"And those rocks!"
And the other continued the rest.
When she had finished
the girl proclaimed again,
"And those rocks!"
as to not ostracize them.
The other one smiled and agreed,
"And those rocks,"
and they continued behind me.
Off we were with the destination
up close.
My friend, "The Lord remembers"
went on to where the Lord knows.
I was losing control with destination
in sight
I fell of the path again
still standing upright.
But to the right of the road
there was a fire ablaze
and I passed through it
as I went of the way.
With awkwardness I endured
and stayed on the move
where I got back on the path.
The destination was soon.
I finally reached the building
built like a church.
My friend was already sitting,
listening and I perched.
Many people had already come
I must have been near last
for the speaker had begun.
In and out of consciousness;
in and out of sleep,
I heard the speaker do
as his title says: to speak.
"...and God appeared
to Michelangelo in the night and..."
I woke up without knowing
the rest to write.
Half awake I remember hearing,
thinking, feeling a sense
to be close to God.
And I heard rustling of some sort
from the right side of my bed
where something came over to me
as I laid in the said.
I heard its movements rustle
on the sheets as it came over me.
I couldn't see it clearly
but I felt its presence instead.
Going to the back of my head
it covered my ears and with its hands
lifted it off the bed.
I was fully awake,
my heart was in the red,
trying to keep up with this
strange, odd, frightening
I began to pray and repeat,
"Father! Father! Father!"
And after a few seconds the spirit left.
I covered myself with the sheets,
scared, I prayed asking God
what had just happened.

Though I may not know all
of what this dream should suppose.
I will tell you this,
that I'm on path this instant.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Dream of 7.2.9

In a FedEx truck at night,
too late to be working
a rain fell gentle and light

And within seconds it fell
harder then hell
I stopped my truck to let it pass
And within seconds it pounded
loud as noise can sound
and nothing
no, nothing
could be seen.

A white squall was before me
drenching the freight
soaking the seats
Frantically I thought of what to do
I was befuddled by the power this rain could ensue
This was insane
This was unreal
The power this rain punched
the vehicle
would never be healed
So I closed the doors quickly
in naked instinct
and saw nothing but rampant white

And in my distress
in my panic,
in my worry,
in my fear,
in my bewilderment,
and in my instinct,
I released a scream
so loud I could have beat
the rain's stomping feet

This is what I did
when the night fell
and the sky did too
I screamed at the glass
between me and you

When it was over
I walked the streets
without work clothes on
when the town was asleep
I walked, and jogged
to my home
where I saw my roomate's father
on his porch
on the phone,
I could hear some yelling up the way
from a wife to her husband
in mindless array
He got a few shouts in
but not before she'd capsize
the argument to sink them
both with her cries
I thought,
"Such mindless yelling"
it made no sense
I couldn't understand one word
she shouted in offense

I turned to that father mentioned before
still on the phone
where he caught me walking forward
He signaled my presence
and I signaled his
We both understood that I was a witness
Without a word
we understood
if need be,
I'd be a witness

Still on the phone
he turned and away
he explained the situation
across the road paved
And we understood
if it came to it
that I was there
with my ears
as a witness

Figure eight
I walked from the bottom
of one tear drop to the other
to get home
where I'd...
well, I need to go farther.

Friday, June 26, 2009


Let's discuss a trough of torment
that seems to have crept up on me
I've found that there's nothing unique to say
My lips no longer speak
I'm nothing too profound, new,
locked in a room
without a clear lit view
And the door will open ever so slightly
To shed a sliver of light
Where not a voice is heard
from Him on the other side
He just opens it to let me know
That, yes, indeed He's still here
Then gently closes it
after I ask for ears to hear.

In this room you cannot breathe right
You cannot see clearly
and you cannot find life
In this room are familiar woes
from rooms you've seen before,
but in this room
I've found that in these things I'm bored
I used to spend time in here with Him
all the time
And now He's left, turned of the lights,
And my soul is deaf, dumb and blind
I get no satisfaction from the things of old:
Research, writing, reading, music, art...
Anything at all.
So I sit waiting for Him to open the door
Hoping, this time, for more

Speculations arise,
Thoughts afloat,
with a weight at my feet
I'm at the bottom of sorrow

Know that I'm not depressed,
but saddened by this loss,
Yes, I'm wearing myself ugly
like torn sackcloth.

Comparisons belittle,
judgments condemn,
cursing myself deep
I'm behind the witness stand

Know that I think I'm special,
but hate myself for it
Yes, I'm wearing myself ugly
like torn sackcloth.

I'm rising my esteem
from the boiling waters
of my mind
My heart is left out
and this leaves me blind

If I can't be good
I won't be bad.
If I can't be either
then surely I'm mad.

In this room, I say, are demons of old
Who mock my status quo

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

And it's about time I said something again.
Yes, it's about time I stood to represent what's sent.
There's a balance I feel between
Pride and humility
A slippery edge of my eteranal be
I tore myself down to keep from pride
But found that I was to proud to fight
Woah! or woe!? Humble me hard!
Strengthen me Lord through this gift of art!
And I'll stand and I'll stand and I'll stand for You
I'll stand for well-being which respects the truth

"Take" I said not knowing what I meant
I'm not willing to give Him anything I've said
Take, for I cannot give this up
"Oh dear child this is what I want
My will for you is to willingly give
Trusting Me, yes, trusting Me to live"
Trust is key my reader, I say
another lesson for this lesson of May

Who am I to do Your will?
What authority do I have to do so too?
Ah, yes. A question worth answering
You are a man of My gathering
All the kingdom of Christ's name is yours
To speak on behalf of the King of Lords
So speak My son, My servant, My friend
Trust your mouth will spill love into men
For My stamp of trust will guide your tongue
I can tame it, you cannot
I will breathe into your lung.

Just as the wave began to subside
Thunder cracked, lightning struck
And a monsoon arrived
In despair I cried for the storm to stop
Not believing that with this storm was love
So I turned to the sky and yelled at it hard
You are not more powerful than my God
I was lifted up in the wings of Spirit
And subsided the storm as I truly endured it