The hesitancy I have in writing the event that occurred to me last Sunday, the fourth, is the implication of Pride. Am I boasting about myself? I've told this story three times to four people and each time the thought that goes through my head is, "Should I really tell them this story or should I just keep my mouth shut and keep this between God and I?" The reason? Well, it made me feel pretty cool and every time I tell it, I secretly want recognition of this coolness.
I start by saying, "So I broke up a fight on Sunday after church" and then, when their interest is peaked, I say something like... "Yeah...it was weird. Um, it's a definite testament to God's protection and presence. Like...I put myself in a situation that I probably shouldn't have, but God was there for the whole thing." I mention God only to justify the fact that I may be boasting, which is grossly inappropriate. The truth is, I want someone to notice my heroism and praise me for it, not God. Don't get me wrong, God was unquestionably there and the decision to breakup the fight didn't come without prayer. I wouldn't have done it had I not felt God moving me to intervene, but the telling, the testimony, the witnessing of God's justice is not humble. It's for my glory, not His.
So you see my struggle? The event was significant for me. It was significant for my relationship with God. It was significant for those involved with the event itself (I pray). But what's the point in telling about it when the person telling it doesn't tell it with pure motives and--aware of this possibility--questions his motives when he tells it? If God cannot be recognized as God, Lord, King, Savior, Avenger, Christ, Hero, or Protagonist, then the story teller has done something wrong. The story has failed and the witness has witnessed in vain. Justice has not been served, but stolen for emptiness.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
The Fire Burns
Anger likes to hang out with me. I'm angry with it.
And how I listen!
Recurring themes that spring inconspicuously.
Patience,
Trust,
Waiting,
Forgiveness,
Sincerity,
Humility,
Surrender,
Devotion,
Balance,
Integrity,
Laziness,
Lust,
Service,
Wisdom,
Understanding,
Knowledge,
Love,
Hope,
Faith,
Pride,
and oh, the list goes on!
Which one shall I tackle today?
Which one shall I stumble on again?
Which one is more important?
Out of all of these, I pray,
to where shall my heart go?
Which one?
Overwhelmed by the challenges
that face me
I ignore them and pity myself.
"If I say this then...
or if I do this then..."
I'm a contradicting contradiction.
...and I'm tired of it.
All the time, I whine
of my whining
and write of it in my
alliterated rhyme.
Why?
For an answer?
A solution?
A pass?
When will this end?
Two years and I've yet to see it end...
I'm done with this again.
And how I listen!
Recurring themes that spring inconspicuously.
Patience,
Trust,
Waiting,
Forgiveness,
Sincerity,
Humility,
Surrender,
Devotion,
Balance,
Integrity,
Laziness,
Lust,
Service,
Wisdom,
Understanding,
Knowledge,
Love,
Hope,
Faith,
Pride,
and oh, the list goes on!
Which one shall I tackle today?
Which one shall I stumble on again?
Which one is more important?
Out of all of these, I pray,
to where shall my heart go?
Which one?
Overwhelmed by the challenges
that face me
I ignore them and pity myself.
"If I say this then...
or if I do this then..."
I'm a contradicting contradiction.
...and I'm tired of it.
All the time, I whine
of my whining
and write of it in my
alliterated rhyme.
Why?
For an answer?
A solution?
A pass?
When will this end?
Two years and I've yet to see it end...
I'm done with this again.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
What I Did on 12.12.09
Yesterday I was invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party by the drummer of my band, James. I called another friend from the band, Ali and told her of the invite I had received and passed it along to her via voice mail. He called me later and told me that I could come but there was only seven people and it was up to me if I felt like going. I told him I'd call him if I decided to venture on over. Ali never called back and I didn't really feel like going so I stayed in for a while contemplating whether or not I should go.
So, I sat for a bit, ate some food, watched Gangs of New York (eh), and decided to get some cigarettes. On my way to the gas station, I felt like staying out on the road for a while instead of going back immediately after purchasing the cigarettes. The gas station on Brighton Blvd. I was heading towards was closed so I kept on going to another gas station on the corner of Brighton and I-70. I bought my cigarettes a bottle of Naked juice and went on my way. Since I-70 was right there I got on it and drove west for a bit, then I decided to exit off on to I-25 and head north and drive to where I felt I wanted to go. I had the urge to be in the mountains so I exited on to Highway 36 and went towards Boulder. It was a bit windy and my windshield was a bit dirty so driving seemed to be a bit of a struggle. I kept going. I eventually found myself on Baseline going south which then turned into Flagstaff, which I remained on for a good hour or so. I thought it would lead me to the top of the mountain I was winding my way up on, but it only led me over the mountain...deeper into more mountains. This was a bit disappointing. I didn't know where I was going, when I'd stop or why I had decided to do this, but it was dark, it was windy and it was a bit chilly. The road was windy and I seemed to be the only one in the world. I eventually found a dirt road that led me down a windy way. I thought of my a dream I had once that reminded me (somewhat) of this, God, girls, music, and what in the heck I was doing. I decided to pull over at a little pit stop area and just sit on the ground and pray for a bit. The silence was fearsome. It was me, the wind through the pines, the sky and this ominous cloud from the west that was creeping over the mountains. I saw a shooting star and the clouds began to move faster and the wind grew and the cloud grew. It was awe-some. But nothing happened. One car passed by as I gazed at the stars and a weird light (which, at the time I thought were headlights from another car) appeared, but nothing came of it...probably just my imagination. Other than that...nothing. I suppose I expected more. Some kind of experience I could take home with me, but all I have is this: a list of happenings that don't amount to anything, but a story of what I did last night December 12, 2009.
I read Psalm 23 and 24, which seemed to have some kind of coincidental reference, but didn't feel much like interpreting it. I sat for a bit in my car and drove back home. The only thing I loved, was the grand silence. The distractions of the world make God and creation seem so small, but when it's just you, the silence, the wind, the sky, and God...well, you feel very small and insignificant. You understand the phrase "The Fear of the Lord." God definitely feels bigger and mightier.
That's it. Just thought I'd put it down on...screen?
So, I sat for a bit, ate some food, watched Gangs of New York (eh), and decided to get some cigarettes. On my way to the gas station, I felt like staying out on the road for a while instead of going back immediately after purchasing the cigarettes. The gas station on Brighton Blvd. I was heading towards was closed so I kept on going to another gas station on the corner of Brighton and I-70. I bought my cigarettes a bottle of Naked juice and went on my way. Since I-70 was right there I got on it and drove west for a bit, then I decided to exit off on to I-25 and head north and drive to where I felt I wanted to go. I had the urge to be in the mountains so I exited on to Highway 36 and went towards Boulder. It was a bit windy and my windshield was a bit dirty so driving seemed to be a bit of a struggle. I kept going. I eventually found myself on Baseline going south which then turned into Flagstaff, which I remained on for a good hour or so. I thought it would lead me to the top of the mountain I was winding my way up on, but it only led me over the mountain...deeper into more mountains. This was a bit disappointing. I didn't know where I was going, when I'd stop or why I had decided to do this, but it was dark, it was windy and it was a bit chilly. The road was windy and I seemed to be the only one in the world. I eventually found a dirt road that led me down a windy way. I thought of my a dream I had once that reminded me (somewhat) of this, God, girls, music, and what in the heck I was doing. I decided to pull over at a little pit stop area and just sit on the ground and pray for a bit. The silence was fearsome. It was me, the wind through the pines, the sky and this ominous cloud from the west that was creeping over the mountains. I saw a shooting star and the clouds began to move faster and the wind grew and the cloud grew. It was awe-some. But nothing happened. One car passed by as I gazed at the stars and a weird light (which, at the time I thought were headlights from another car) appeared, but nothing came of it...probably just my imagination. Other than that...nothing. I suppose I expected more. Some kind of experience I could take home with me, but all I have is this: a list of happenings that don't amount to anything, but a story of what I did last night December 12, 2009.
I read Psalm 23 and 24, which seemed to have some kind of coincidental reference, but didn't feel much like interpreting it. I sat for a bit in my car and drove back home. The only thing I loved, was the grand silence. The distractions of the world make God and creation seem so small, but when it's just you, the silence, the wind, the sky, and God...well, you feel very small and insignificant. You understand the phrase "The Fear of the Lord." God definitely feels bigger and mightier.
That's it. Just thought I'd put it down on...screen?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Okay...what's up.
Should I type? Discuss the latest in my heart’s trend? Or have I already said too much?
I’ve said too much.
I’ve over thought.
Be strong. Stand firm.
This isn’t your fight.
Give up.
The Lord is a warrior. Warrior is His name.
Roll over?
Stand firm.
Fight?
Turn the other cheek.
Peace.
War.
David fought.
You’re not David.
Take initiative?...
****
Does love supply the gossip?
Or rebuke when they show the match?
Love lets!
Ya’ know…at times I wish it did.
Let me do this!
Let me do that!
…and it does, but not without consequence.
What consequence?
I’m shruggin’.
And I can’t say this is absolute.
I can’t say this is always that way.
I can’t say much, but I feel I must defend.
Do you understand?
Do you get this?
Do you know how this feels?
You who loves:
Stand up for your love,
But don’t fight.
Stand up for your love,
And take flight. (That just rhymes. It doesn’t make sense.)
Duty. What is that word?
Respect. Something you’ve heard?
Individuality. Independence. Tolerance. Coexistance.
Great words. Great ideas.
How will we get there?
I will propose.
I will suggest.
I will demand.
I will confess.
But look at me. Who am I to talk?
I was just told I was loved by God Himself.
“They’re adults. They know what they’re doing.”
What a respectable thing to say at such a young age.
Can we say it now?
Can we say this today?
Nope.
I don’t think all of us can.
And this is what I feel God wants from us all.
“Son. Trust me.”
No offense, but I have some issues with this.
I hope You don’t expect me to do this.
And if You do,
Cut me some slack…
Rather, help me cut myself with some slack.
And do you think God understands?
Be strong.
Stand firm.
Confidence is key.
Courage.
What do you want from me?
And it used to be about uniqueness.
It used to be about genius.
It used to be about me…
And I guess it still is.
Oh.
And I thought it was her heart I needed to bare.
But it was mine that she wanted.
And I blamed her instead.
I’ve said too much.
I’ve over thought.
Be strong. Stand firm.
This isn’t your fight.
Give up.
The Lord is a warrior. Warrior is His name.
Roll over?
Stand firm.
Fight?
Turn the other cheek.
Peace.
War.
David fought.
You’re not David.
Take initiative?...
****
Does love supply the gossip?
Or rebuke when they show the match?
Love lets!
Ya’ know…at times I wish it did.
Let me do this!
Let me do that!
…and it does, but not without consequence.
What consequence?
I’m shruggin’.
And I can’t say this is absolute.
I can’t say this is always that way.
I can’t say much, but I feel I must defend.
Do you understand?
Do you get this?
Do you know how this feels?
You who loves:
Stand up for your love,
But don’t fight.
Stand up for your love,
And take flight. (That just rhymes. It doesn’t make sense.)
Duty. What is that word?
Respect. Something you’ve heard?
Individuality. Independence. Tolerance. Coexistance.
Great words. Great ideas.
How will we get there?
I will propose.
I will suggest.
I will demand.
I will confess.
But look at me. Who am I to talk?
I was just told I was loved by God Himself.
“They’re adults. They know what they’re doing.”
What a respectable thing to say at such a young age.
Can we say it now?
Can we say this today?
Nope.
I don’t think all of us can.
And this is what I feel God wants from us all.
“Son. Trust me.”
No offense, but I have some issues with this.
I hope You don’t expect me to do this.
And if You do,
Cut me some slack…
Rather, help me cut myself with some slack.
And do you think God understands?
Be strong.
Stand firm.
Confidence is key.
Courage.
What do you want from me?
And it used to be about uniqueness.
It used to be about genius.
It used to be about me…
And I guess it still is.
Oh.
And I thought it was her heart I needed to bare.
But it was mine that she wanted.
And I blamed her instead.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Women.
Well, what can I say? Women. I don't know what's going on, but for the last month or so my mind can't seem to avoid them. Now, this poses a problem for me. It seems as though that they're on my mind more than God and it's bothering me.
"Dear God, thank you for today and all that You do that I'm not even aware of. WOMEN. Thank you for loving me more than I know or understand...I pray that our relationship grows and grows and that You and I can be closer than ever before. I want to be closer to You than anything and...WOMEN. And...um...I pray that I can start concentrati--WOMEN--concentrating on Your will and focus o--WOMEN--on You...I'm sorry, God but what the heck is going on?" Seriously. That doesn't even encompass the issue.
I feel it's important to note an episode that I went through about seven months ago. I had this huge desire to be one with God. I mean, to be completely His and live my life isolated in His love. To become, in a sense, a monk. So, in this passionate desire I decided to not get married, or to get involved in a relationship and keep my focus completely on God. Now I'm not sure if it was wise for me to tell my parents about this, but I did and they didn't really accept it with a huge smile on their faces. I felt my mom was a bit offended and disappointed that her only son had decided to swear off women and that she wouldn't be having a grandchild. My dad just didn't get it. How could his son swear off women?
So, here's my dilemma: if I truly do decide to never get married then, A, no sex ; B no grandchildren for the parents; C, the Zaragoza name dies. I'm the last of the Zaragozas; D, I may miss something that I'm not even aware of that actually may be beneficial for God and I. Alright, and if I decide to just let all of this go and pursue this desire for the opposite sex, then my relationship with God weakens for lack of complete devotion to Him...and that's pretty damn important to me. Thinking about all of this I can't help but think about Paul's passage in 1 Corinthians 7. "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided...I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." He also says earlier, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." So I'm at a mental fork in the road and I'm honestly not sure what to do.
And my attention is divided already, should I give in or should resist...is this a test? Don't think I didn't pray about this with God--being unmarried for the rest of my life. He knows more than I do about it. So, what's up with this? I feel like He isn't going to make this easy for me. Either He's trying to tell me something about my heart, or Satan is doing an exquisite job at pulling me away from God.
Women. What do you do to us men? I mean, I love ya', but...c'mon already...we've been at this since the beginning.
=--}->
"Dear God, thank you for today and all that You do that I'm not even aware of. WOMEN. Thank you for loving me more than I know or understand...I pray that our relationship grows and grows and that You and I can be closer than ever before. I want to be closer to You than anything and...WOMEN. And...um...I pray that I can start concentrati--WOMEN--concentrating on Your will and focus o--WOMEN--on You...I'm sorry, God but what the heck is going on?" Seriously. That doesn't even encompass the issue.
I feel it's important to note an episode that I went through about seven months ago. I had this huge desire to be one with God. I mean, to be completely His and live my life isolated in His love. To become, in a sense, a monk. So, in this passionate desire I decided to not get married, or to get involved in a relationship and keep my focus completely on God. Now I'm not sure if it was wise for me to tell my parents about this, but I did and they didn't really accept it with a huge smile on their faces. I felt my mom was a bit offended and disappointed that her only son had decided to swear off women and that she wouldn't be having a grandchild. My dad just didn't get it. How could his son swear off women?
So, here's my dilemma: if I truly do decide to never get married then, A, no sex ; B no grandchildren for the parents; C, the Zaragoza name dies. I'm the last of the Zaragozas; D, I may miss something that I'm not even aware of that actually may be beneficial for God and I. Alright, and if I decide to just let all of this go and pursue this desire for the opposite sex, then my relationship with God weakens for lack of complete devotion to Him...and that's pretty damn important to me. Thinking about all of this I can't help but think about Paul's passage in 1 Corinthians 7. "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided...I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." He also says earlier, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." So I'm at a mental fork in the road and I'm honestly not sure what to do.
And my attention is divided already, should I give in or should resist...is this a test? Don't think I didn't pray about this with God--being unmarried for the rest of my life. He knows more than I do about it. So, what's up with this? I feel like He isn't going to make this easy for me. Either He's trying to tell me something about my heart, or Satan is doing an exquisite job at pulling me away from God.
Women. What do you do to us men? I mean, I love ya', but...c'mon already...we've been at this since the beginning.
=--}->
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
And I Continue
Well, I'm in a band now. A friend from church, Connie, asked me to join her band Consider the Raven for a fund-raising event called Let Kids Be Kids. The event is to promote an end to sex trafficking. I'm pretty excited that I'm going to be a part of this. I feel like a superhero. I practiced with them on Sunday and they asked me to join as a full time member (guitarist) for their band and I accepted. I've never been a part of a band I didn't try starting myself and it's refreshing to just be in the background, supporting the music. It makes it easy when you enjoy what you play as well. So, we'll see where this takes me and the rest of the band. It should be a great growing process for us all. I find it peculiar that the band name is taken from Jesus' lesson on anxiety, which I've been struggling with for the past year and a half...so...we'll see what happens.
I've found that every word describing God, describes Him completely. There isn't a word that doesn't miss a part of who He is. It's an X=X=X infinitum. For instance; God is love, is light, is righteous, is good, is faithful, is true, is holy, is loyal, is spirit, is mighty, is awesome, , is eternal, is God, etc. If one were to plug in a description/characteristic/quality of His being into an already present verse of His description, it would only add to your understanding of who He is and bring forth a layer of the Word you never thought existed. Try it. He is complete and when you talk of one thing about Him, you talk about everything about Him.
I'm a sucker for knowledge; a weakness and a strength; my downfall and my rise.
While in this funk of spiritual Novocaine I'm afraid of the pain after the surgery, but excited to see/feel/know the results. I'm tired of moaning about it and I'm tired of being tired...so I'm just shrugging. I mean...we'll see.
The opposite of worry is trust. The opposite of fear is courageous trust.
"Love. Pursue love. Fear not. Trust me. Love."
=--}->
Flchr. Joshua
I've found that every word describing God, describes Him completely. There isn't a word that doesn't miss a part of who He is. It's an X=X=X infinitum. For instance; God is love, is light, is righteous, is good, is faithful, is true, is holy, is loyal, is spirit, is mighty, is awesome, , is eternal, is God, etc. If one were to plug in a description/characteristic/quality of His being into an already present verse of His description, it would only add to your understanding of who He is and bring forth a layer of the Word you never thought existed. Try it. He is complete and when you talk of one thing about Him, you talk about everything about Him.
I'm a sucker for knowledge; a weakness and a strength; my downfall and my rise.
While in this funk of spiritual Novocaine I'm afraid of the pain after the surgery, but excited to see/feel/know the results. I'm tired of moaning about it and I'm tired of being tired...so I'm just shrugging. I mean...we'll see.
The opposite of worry is trust. The opposite of fear is courageous trust.
"Love. Pursue love. Fear not. Trust me. Love."
=--}->
Flchr. Joshua
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