Well, what can I say? Women. I don't know what's going on, but for the last month or so my mind can't seem to avoid them. Now, this poses a problem for me. It seems as though that they're on my mind more than God and it's bothering me.
"Dear God, thank you for today and all that You do that I'm not even aware of. WOMEN. Thank you for loving me more than I know or understand...I pray that our relationship grows and grows and that You and I can be closer than ever before. I want to be closer to You than anything and...WOMEN. And...um...I pray that I can start concentrati--WOMEN--concentrating on Your will and focus o--WOMEN--on You...I'm sorry, God but what the heck is going on?" Seriously. That doesn't even encompass the issue.
I feel it's important to note an episode that I went through about seven months ago. I had this huge desire to be one with God. I mean, to be completely His and live my life isolated in His love. To become, in a sense, a monk. So, in this passionate desire I decided to not get married, or to get involved in a relationship and keep my focus completely on God. Now I'm not sure if it was wise for me to tell my parents about this, but I did and they didn't really accept it with a huge smile on their faces. I felt my mom was a bit offended and disappointed that her only son had decided to swear off women and that she wouldn't be having a grandchild. My dad just didn't get it. How could his son swear off women?
So, here's my dilemma: if I truly do decide to never get married then, A, no sex ; B no grandchildren for the parents; C, the Zaragoza name dies. I'm the last of the Zaragozas; D, I may miss something that I'm not even aware of that actually may be beneficial for God and I. Alright, and if I decide to just let all of this go and pursue this desire for the opposite sex, then my relationship with God weakens for lack of complete devotion to Him...and that's pretty damn important to me. Thinking about all of this I can't help but think about Paul's passage in 1 Corinthians 7. "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided...I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." He also says earlier, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." So I'm at a mental fork in the road and I'm honestly not sure what to do.
And my attention is divided already, should I give in or should resist...is this a test? Don't think I didn't pray about this with God--being unmarried for the rest of my life. He knows more than I do about it. So, what's up with this? I feel like He isn't going to make this easy for me. Either He's trying to tell me something about my heart, or Satan is doing an exquisite job at pulling me away from God.
Women. What do you do to us men? I mean, I love ya', but...c'mon already...we've been at this since the beginning.