Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Well, what can I say? Women. I don't know what's going on, but for the last month or so my mind can't seem to avoid them. Now, this poses a problem for me. It seems as though that they're on my mind more than God and it's bothering me.

"Dear God, thank you for today and all that You do that I'm not even aware of. WOMEN. Thank you for loving me more than I know or understand...I pray that our relationship grows and grows and that You and I can be closer than ever before. I want to be closer to You than anything and...WOMEN. And...um...I pray that I can start concentrati--WOMEN--concentrating on Your will and focus o--WOMEN--on You...I'm sorry, God but what the heck is going on?" Seriously. That doesn't even encompass the issue.

I feel it's important to note an episode that I went through about seven months ago. I had this huge desire to be one with God. I mean, to be completely His and live my life isolated in His love. To become, in a sense, a monk. So, in this passionate desire I decided to not get married, or to get involved in a relationship and keep my focus completely on God. Now I'm not sure if it was wise for me to tell my parents about this, but I did and they didn't really accept it with a huge smile on their faces. I felt my mom was a bit offended and disappointed that her only son had decided to swear off women and that she wouldn't be having a grandchild. My dad just didn't get it. How could his son swear off women?

So, here's my dilemma: if I truly do decide to never get married then, A, no sex ; B no grandchildren for the parents; C, the Zaragoza name dies. I'm the last of the Zaragozas; D, I may miss something that I'm not even aware of that actually may be beneficial for God and I. Alright, and if I decide to just let all of this go and pursue this desire for the opposite sex, then my relationship with God weakens for lack of complete devotion to Him...and that's pretty damn important to me. Thinking about all of this I can't help but think about Paul's passage in 1 Corinthians 7.
"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided...I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord." He also says earlier, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion." So I'm at a mental fork in the road and I'm honestly not sure what to do.

And my attention is divided already, should I give in or should resist...is this a test? Don't think I didn't pray about this with God--being unmarried for the rest of my life. He knows more than I do about it. So, what's up with this? I feel like He isn't going to make this easy for me. Either He's trying to tell me something about my heart, or Satan is doing an exquisite job at pulling me away from God.

Women. What do you do to us men? I mean, I love ya', but...c'mon already...we've been at this since the beginning.



Molly Joy said...

AHAHA Sorry :) Women are manipulative at heart and most of the time we don't even realize it. Kinda sucks...

There's two ways you could look at this, you can dedicate your life to God and honor Him that way. Or you can honor God by leading a family to believe in Him and love others as Jesus loves us. But then again, it's still a matter of listening to God to see where he calls you- not making up your own mind. He's the one with all the knowledge about our paths, not us.

Have you ever read Passion and Purity? It made me question whether I was meant to get married or not and it was a pretty interesting book.

Lexicon said...

Your entry drives home the fact that Love instilled in every human is first and foremost intended for bringing glory Him- thanks for the reminder.

So ancedote, if you will: I wanted to join the sisterhood when first called by the Holy Spirit. I’d researched various local abbeys and everything- my life would be played out through solitude, charity and piety; immersed in my love for Him. With the intent of speaking to a clergyman about the practical steps in which to pursue my new calling, I went to a Catholic mass. The sermon, incidentally, was Genesis 2:22-24. I got His drift. What I came to reason:

By choosing the kind of life spent disregarding one of the most primordial blessings in his design, when he clearly instills a desire and attraction to the opposite gender in your heart (while some people are metaphorical 'born eunuchs')- it is kind’ve a cop-out.

You miss a strengthening test of faith that comes from balancing the deep love for another person, without forfeiting or detracting from your ultimate relationship with Him. Moreover, He created men and women as pairs who may experience Christ on an entirely different dynamic- the whole ‘they become one flesh’ thing: two separate people joined in their love for Him, finding and experiencing new depth in that plurality.

Satan knows that sex and relationships are a total time-suck for people. It is lust, fruitless and inverted love for others that pulls us away from our Father- not attraction to women, and certainly not experiencing the pursuit of finding a bond he created from the very beginning as yet another means to grow in His love.

Anyhoo, I’ll shut up. *jumps off soapbox*

You’re fighting the good fight. Too cool.