The Road To Come

1) Recently, I've been meditating on this verse "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, "My refuge, my fortress, my God in whom I trust!"

2) I found this entry in one of my computer journals during this morning's sleepless night. I was shocked to read what I read. I had forgotten about what it had said and how I interpreted it.

3) The last blog post is relevant.

4) I'm not lying.

3.14.09

I’ll start off this entry by saying that I’m nervous about entering it. You see, I deleted my vast volume of dreams a while ago with the intent of letting go of a presumption about God and myself in order to get closer to Him. Simply: I read into things too much and dreams happen to be one of these things. With my proud and idolatry manor of reading into things, I seek for myself and not God. So, saying these things I’d like to pray, God, that You forgive me for writing this down if it isn’t going to glorify you. I hope that this dream isn’t bad and that it’s only to help You and me and our relationship.

Amen.

THE DREAM:

In the dream I was with my mom (I think) and I was outside near an area where we could sit. There was an average looking elderly man with his wife. He was wearing a maroon shirt and had a little bit of a belly. He had glasses. His complexion was darker and he and his wife were talking to each other. I was near, so I happened to be listening with interest. He was a jolly happy man and his wife was a jolly happy woman. She wore glasses too. He was talking with her and I remember him say, “eternal.” We some how were introduced. I got up and felt moved to hug him; to just hug him. I grabbed him and held him for a bit, but it turned around and he began holding me and praying for me. I can’t remember what he said, but he suddenly began praying for me as if he needed to. I felt a very wise, comforting, and loving feeling from this man. He was very…down to earth. While he was praying I started crying and after he was done I fell to my knees and couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t happiness, but rather sorrow. It wasn’t dread or dismay, but just…feeling emotional about the prayer. He put his hand on me and I continued to cry. I remember seeing a whole group of people around me, surrounding me looking at me. I was on one knee and couldn’t get up, nor did I want to. I look around with the feeling that they were witnessing what I never understood, but what they all did and it brought me to my knees.

THE INTERPRETATION:

I was with my comfort, my shelter, my protection and guidance near my indecision where I would sit and idle about the road to come. There was a wise, spiritually powerful man wearing courage, bravery, heroism and strength. He was in a marriage relationship that was happy, light-hearted, true and real. They laughed, joked, conversed, and discussed about things. They both could see clearly, though the wife needed help seeing all the time, the man didn’t…only some of the time. Some things he didn’t need help seeing. He spoke of things eternal to her and together they talked about it. I got up from my idling and indecision and began to love and care for him. He in return began loving me and nurturing me. He called on higher help to help me let go of my worries. He represented how I perceive my wisdom and spiritual power. His relationship with his wife is how I wish I could have relationships with my discord and unresolved issues…in humor, happiness, laughter, discussion, conversion. It’s what I lack or what I think is missing. While he was calling on higher help I began healing in humility. I was emotional and sensitive and close to both him and a part of myself. Then various aspects of my character and personality began merging. I was open to this influence and to others and was humble and didn’t want to not be. I looked around with the feeling that my character, personality, and others were witnessing what I never understood, and it humbled me...it healed me.

To Stand

"Help me love myself as You love me so that I may love others as myself."

This is a written prayer for me. It was sparked a month ago when I felt resentment towards others and towards myself. There are so many layers of emotions and thoughts that leave me condemning myself and in return (unfortunately) condemning others. I don't like myself sometimes. Like I said in a previous entry, I don't trust myself. This all becomes external and I project it upon others. I began to pray to God asking Him for trust, love, patience, peace, kindness, etc...but the main prayer that hurt to say, but felt true to how I felt was the prayer above. Now, I know that I'll never have the capacity to love like God. It's not a bad thing to want to love like Him though. This isn't worldly love, or self-adoration/pride, or any abominable desire. It's the acknowledgment of the love I'm given and only feeling a desire, a joy, a fountain of love grow inside that quite naturally wants to love back. Some of you know what I'm talking about. This is true love. There's a Spirit that fills you, blankets you and moves you and it's...glorious.

So...in regards to this prayer. In regards to the faithfulness of the Lord...He answered. I've found, rather, seen a part of me that I truly love. I have this deep, bass-like moan of love for this part of me that I'd love to take care of and watch grow. Not only this, but give shelter to it in Christ. It's a part of me that I was born with and have had with me since. It's never left. I've seen it try to take form in my search for an identity, but I could never grasp it's idea, it's action, it's heart, it's soul. It is valiant, courageous, fearless, heroic, compassionate, strong, giving, majestic, humble, lover of justice, and more to yet be revealed. It's the hero inside of me I've always wanted to be. It's the desire to to serve and protect. I love this part of me that desires these things. These are not bad things to want in the name of Christ, for Christ, with Christ, in thanks to the Father through the Spirit. No, these are noble things. Honorable things. Spiritual things that I someday hope will glorify God. SomeDay, this part of me will be revealed in truth.

I've seen a part of myself that I love and there's no other being to thank than the I AM who I AM. My God who is worthy of praise. All glory to the Lord and may creation sing, dance, be and worship Him forever and ever! Who is like God?!
Amen!

Where The Men Come and Go Talking of Women Without Clothes

It should be expected that today I was going to write about last night. It was the last word before the punctuation mark and I'm not sure If I like what was said...

After returning from the sun itself (Phoenix) and being removed from my common routines, I felt a new sense of strength to do what I've never done before...to face the flames and jump off the high dive. It was exciting and frightening, but I wanted to do it so much that I started looking for reasons to "Fear not." To do, say, or think without feeling frightened. To put my hope and trust in God's hands and let my fears become weak before me...to not let them own my decisions and overwhelm my ways. I felt a longing to stand for what I believe and a longing to start moving and not let my "Learned Helplessness" keep me from being the resilient, strong, valiant, faithful, humble, joyful, courageous young man that God and I, both, would love to see.

But of course, I'd actually have to be challenged. This wouldn't be able to happen overnight nor would it be able to happen without a real challenge. So be it.

I've thought about the phrase "a wolf in sheep's clothing" in many different facets, but the one that I've thought about lately is "a sheep in wolf's clothing." Now, what this exactly means...I'm not sure, but it sounds interesting doesn't it? There's probably some moral/ethical/heretical/whatever reason why this phrase may be completely ridiculous, but the reason why I thought of it, isn't. I don't have very many Christian friends. There are many reasons why this is and they're mainly because I'm not making an effort to get to know my brothers and sisters. I'm a lone sheep, not a lone wolf, a lone sheep amidst a pack of wolves. Yes, they know I'm Christian, but in order to be a wolf you've gotta' look like a wolf and that's about as far as I can go. I certainly can't act like one...it's against my nature. This is one piece of clothing that I would no longer like to wear...I'm working on it.

And what about last night?
Oh, the celebration with gold!
A birthday! A birthday!
Someone's twenty-one year's old!
Let us drink tell we drop
and let us all track for sex
We shall spend the whole night
promoting our deaths!
"For life is short
and we must live like fools.
So here's to living
against the Reason we choose."
But I said nothing,
my lips were shut.
Criticized for not wanting
to be a part of this
I chose to not fuss.
I was weak to my fear
of saying "no."
And it was my friend's birthday
how could I refuse it so?
Such a cold response,
"What else would you do?"
If I could just say,
"Well,
as a matter of fact,
I'm going to stay at home
and stay away from your acts.
I want no part
of your celebration.
Happy Birthday my friend,
but I cannot celebrate it
like that."
But on I went
towards the slaughter.
Where my blood would
be crying out to my Father.
Make no mistake,
I make them a lot.
I do not justify myself
for what I sought.
Drink after drink
I lost myself.
Drink after drink
they had the upper hand.
This is their nature
and they live it well,
"Let us watch women
undress themselves"
O Lust!
The Lord rebuke you Lust!
I was dragged to the grave
and there was Lust.
With no ride,
with no car,
too drunk for one
and weak for the other,
darkness hugged me into
itself.
Where there were women
undressing themselves.
Wolves at dinner,
wolves at play,
wolves a sinner
wolves their prey.
So outside I stayed...

Man Maid Services

A soy decaf latte in one hand,
a cigarette in the other
I paused from both
for a passing brother.
Perched next to a federal building,
I shut my eyes and prayed.
I let go of what I thought,
but what I believe stayed.
I didn't expect him to stop and talk
I didn't expect much at all.
I just sat, meditated and prayed,
That God would bless his walk.
In my contemplation he interrupted
it with, "Hey..."
I opened my eyes and said, "What's up?"
In a gentle "what do you need?" manner.
He hesitantly asked for a cigarette
and I willingly obliged.
"Do you need a light?" I asked.
He fumbled the question as I was reaching for my pocket.
"You need a light." I stated and gave him a white Bic lighter.
He replied with, "Yeah, I need a lamp."
And I was taken aback.
What a curious thing to say after I had just prayed.
God still fresh in my mind
I was a little surprised.
And all I could reply was, "A lamp,"
and I chuckled.
What did he mean?
Was he aware of what this could possibly say?
And God, did You want me to say more?
Or perhaps be what he was asking for?
A lamp, a light, a flame for his life?
No matter, he said his thank yous and left.
I said, "Have a good one."
He replied after a few seconds,
"You too."
What a curious happening.
What an interesting encounter.
Oh God, what were trying to tell me
with that passing brother?

I sat down again to finish my smoke.
I shut my eyes and let go of my thoughts.
I prayed for the passing people and prayed
that God would bless their day.
I got up not realizing that my cigarette was out
and continued to my car still praying.
I sat for a bit before I started and
gave some time over to God.
Just being there letting go of my agenda
for a moment before I'd go on.
I had given my last cigarette to the passer-by
and was on my way to getting another pack.
I knew quite well that I shouldn't feed the addiction
but went anyway for my habit's snack.
But God is good and He uses the ugly for His own.
For when I had bought my cigarettes,
on the way to my car,
a man stopped me for a won't-pay-back loan.
With a red gas jug in hand
he asked me for a ride to a gas station.
In worry of his motive I
said, "Sure."
I looked at him while asking me and prayed to God,
"What do you want me to do here? Should I help him or not?"
Confidence and trust hit me soft
so I let him into my car and helped him go on.
His name was Ivan,
and he was from Salt Lake.
He was very apologetic and spoke feminine-like
and vented to me in his talkative state.
He said, "I don't know you from Adam..."
"Wait, what did you say?" I said, with a smile from being hit.
"I don't know you from Adam..."
"Oh! Right on." I replied with a chuckle.
"...but God bless," he finished his statement and I was
tickled.
"What a great phrase, that's awesome," I said.
I had never heard it before.
Speculations came to mind whether or not he believed in God.
But dear reader, it didn't matter.
That is the point you see.
What I offered for him was a gift not a loan like I said
previously.
On our way we saw a tire flat
He expressed his comfort in that fact.
He wasn't the only one with car troubles today
and he took comfort in this knowing that his request
wasn't in vain.
And I told him, "No you're certainly not the only one.
There's at least four other people with problems."
And on our way we witnessed four people with
two car problems.
"See. I told you you weren't the only one."
And he seemed to feel better about his situation.
And I was surprised to see what I had said,
be true.

On the way back he gave me his card.
If I ever need help moving
then he'd be willing to help, no charge.
To pay me back for what I did he gave me his card
and said thank you, again.
I told him there was no need to thank me
and I gave him some more money to fill his truck
for today.
On the card it said, "Man Maid Services."
Clever.

Measure III: Judgement

...and if I expected you once,
I'll expect you twice,
Yes, I'll expect you
seven
times
seven
My expectations are a vice.

Here is my standard
Here is my line
Live up to it.
If you can't,
it's not alright.
And what's this?
What goes around
comes around?
Can I live up to what I've said?
My finger points back at me
If I can just change you
then I'll be set.
Oh don't you worry
it started with me.
I expected myself
to be all I should be.
It's a backpack of anvils
I carry in transit.
Because I can't
change myself
I'll change your habits.
I expect you to fail
and if that's too dark
I'll expect you to succeed
to hit the mark.

So here is the chapel
and here is the steeple
and here are the laws
within the people:
You must be better
than everyone else.
However this looks
do it. Do it as it melts.
Because you are flawed
you must change others
Don't listen to yourself
Don't listen to your mothers.

There is no grace within
us, no,
Just the seven sins
within a standard of old.
So, I expect you to notice,
I expect you to read,
I expect you to listen,
I expect you to breathe.
One of those is natural--
please take note--
the rest are up to you
to choose. I hope
that someday I can
let go of my law.
To love you in thanks
for just being flawed.
I don't want to expect
anything
but I don't want you to mold
There's a balance in everything
dear reader,
and it's not mine to hold.

Measure II: Trust

I don't trust myself.
Period.
I'll say it again,
I don't trust myself.
"How" we'll ask.
By the mistakes I've been.
I don't trust myself to make mistakes.
This is dangerous,
for I turn to trust your ways.
As my hand has touched this fire
and been burned before,
I don't trust you either.
No, my trust is worn.
"Trust in God"
Yes, I agree.
But if you cannot trust yourself
what makes me think you can trust Peace?
So trust is the lesson that
constantly yearns
for my attention
to keep as I learn.

Measure

I'm comparing sins, which effects my trust.
It effects my judgment,
indeed, it effects much too much.
I'm comparing sins, "This one I cannot control,
therefore none of them
are in my hands to throw."
I'm comparing sins, expectations arise,
"I should be better than this.
If I'd just try..."
I'm weighing my sins, me as my own judge
Self-condemnation:
I put myself under hate, unloved.
And if by chance you understand
Woe to you!
Woe I say!
And woe again!
My fellow prison mate this cell is cold
Let us fast these expectations
that we so strongly take hold!
We're comparing sins, you and I
Will we amount to
this treacherous lie?
We're comparing sins, you and me
"Mine is worse"
"No mine is, can't you see?"
We're comparing sins, swapping hate
Immersed in self-pity,
self-condemnation,
erratic debate!
So I will live you with this
as I expect you not:
Graceful is the dance
of the liar's tongue.
Like fire it dances
and like fire it burns,
therefore my dear reader
is the standard I spurn.

Dream Deja Vu

Have you ever had deja vu,
but could recall from where
you experienced it before?
Have you ever had a dream
come back in to your head
and remind you
that the time your living
had to do with what it said?
Have you ever believed
that your dreams were sent,
and believed that they were lies?
So, if all of the above
has happened to you,
tell me my empathetic reader,
what did you do?
If two sides of the balance of truth
and lies is possible,
what am I to think we
a dream comes back to me?
Yes, when I say, "I had a
dream about this."
Yes, when I say, "This was
in my dream..."
Especially when I'd never
visited where I presently exist.
So! What am I to think?
What am I to believe?
Dear Father! Direct me!
If up could be down
and right could be left
I know not how to
differentiate them best!
Dear Father! You are my witness!
You know what's going on!
Why the dreams, the thoughts,
the ideas that come to me
in prophetic form?!